


Unobtainium

by onionstories



Category: Final Space (Cartoon)
Genre: Flashbacks, Gen, Past Suicide Attempts, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, be careful guys, unreality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 19:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14291619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onionstories/pseuds/onionstories
Summary: The thing you desire the most may not be within your grasp, no matter how badly you want it OR; how one man is left alone with nothing but unresolved trauma and one bearable AI to talk to.





	Unobtainium

Gary Goodspeed was lonely.

 

That was _the_ most unnecessary observation anyone in the universe could’ve made- but the fact of the matter was, it was true.

 

Gary Goodspeed also has issues.

 

Both observations are equally unnecessary to state to anyone possessing the gift of _eyes_ and _ears._ However, Gary himself seemed so detached from either of those concepts, that one would start to wonder if this was the very same Gary, because if it was, how could someone be so oblivious?

 

To Gary Goodspeed, Gary Goodspeed was NOT- repeat, _NOT-_ lonely. He was one hundred percent well-adjusted to his situation. He was annoyed, he was bored, but he was _not_ lonely.

 

The monotony of waking up, showering, eating, walking on that treadmill, repairing, repairing, repairing… it was simply boring. It was _not_ maddening, Gary was _not_ lonely, and it did _not_ make him want to shoot himself with a stolen gun from the Galaxy One’s artillery.

 

Not that he’d ever been able to steal one.

 

_Not like he’d ever want to! It’s not like he has issues!_

 

Which, to Gary, he did not. Science was not on his side- his file bearing his recorded medical diagnosis of _PTSD._ Gary would cross his arms and scoff- quite overdramatically- that it was _wrong_ and he _doesn’t know why that’s written there!_

 

Gary Goodspeed does not have issues.

 

Gary Goodspeed is not lonely.

 

Gary Goodspeed has never cried himself to sleep.

 

Gary Goodspeed doesn’t wake up every night at some point or other.

 

Gary Goodspeed has never, does never, will never; it doesn’t matter what some stupid fake file with a stupid fake diagnosis from back when he was a kid says.

 

* * *

 

And one night, Gary woke up from a dream filled with shrapnel, and wind, and a blinding yellow that turned to white. His eyes were glassy, and unfocused- as per the norm. He was awake, it was dark, he was in his room; in the Galaxy One- there were no explosions, no wind, no nothing, except the soft voice of the onboard AI.

 

“Gary. Gary are you _alright? Gary, sweetie, oh God-! Don’t look, Gary, come here! Gary, here, I’ve got you- oh God- it’s okay, Gary, no, don’t cry, I’ve gotcha, I’ve gotcha…”_

 

_There is nothing- nothing but white and more white, and someone’s embrace- but it isn’t comforting, it’s suffocating- Gary feels like he can’t breathe, he can’t, he can’t, he can’t, why can’t he breathe-? The- the explosion was so far away, there’s no way it’s the fumes- there was an explosion- an explosion and HE was in there, but he can’t die, he CAN’T DIE HE CAN’T BE DEAD THIS HAS TO BE SOME KIND OF CRUEL JOKE, IT HAS TO BE A JOKE-_

 

“Gary?”

 

_And, suddenly, the white was replaced with black. Tall figures, shrouded in black._

 

_“Gary?” One asked. “Are you okay? You must be having a hard time…”_

 

_“He was a great man, Gary.”_

 

_“I’m sorry for your loss, Gary.”_

 

_“Look at poor Gary,” some whispered. “He looks like he’s about to cry…!”_

 

_“That caterpillar in that jar he’s holding… it doesn’t look like it’s alive…” “Shh, don’t tell him! Be nice; John gave him that!”_

 

_“If you want to talk, Gary, you can!”_

 

_“You’re so brave, Gary!”_

 

_Gary Goodspeed was not brave. Heroes were brave. Heroes like John Goodspeed._

 

_Gary Goodspeed was not a hero. He was a sniveling child, doing his best not to cry. To be brave, like his dad. But it wasn’t enough, people could see that he was a fraud, he wasn’t what he had to be, he wasn’t and never ever ever ever ever will be not ever not ever he can’t can’t can’t-_

 

“Gary, can you hear me?”

 

_What were they talking about, of course he could hear! He was sad, not deaf!_

 

_Suddenly he was somewhere else. An office; clean, and attempting to project a comforting aura. A man talking to him about things he’d rather ignore. Why was he here? Suddenly, Gary realized- it’s a test! He has to prove that he really IS brave- he has to refrain from being sad for the entire conversation, and then! And then he’d have proved himself!_

 

_The man wouldn’t stop. Asking him to describe what happened, how he felt about it, and worst of all- talking about how his relationship with his dad was when he was still alive. What was he talking about? His dad was still alive!_

 

_But the explosion, the man said. Gary held his ground- his dad was ALIVE and he was COMING BACK and when he did, then he’d be sorry for trying to tell his son that he was DEAD! He’d be sorry, and so would everyone else!_

 

_Gary’s vision was blurry. Why was it blurry? Why did that man look so concerned? Who the hell is crying? Is there someone else in the room? It can’t be Gary; why would Gary be crying? He’s fine! There has to be someone else in the room!_

 

_There never was._

 

“Gary, focus on my voice. My Crisis De-Escalation Unit is almost ready. Focus on what I’m saying. Gary? Gary, can you hear me? Gary, _focus. Gary?”_

 

_Crisis De-Escalation- a fancy way of saying “I have a seperate body for when prisoners try to kill themselves so I personally can stop it, because it’s not in KVN’s programming, or the SAMEs- also, they lack tact.”_

 

_Gary Goodspeed has never seen the Crisis De-Escalation Unit. Gary Goodspeed will never see the Crisis De-Escalation unit._

 

_Gary Goodspeed is wonderful at tying knots._

 

_His hands shook, and his vision blurred- but he was still wonderful at tying knots. HUE’s voice rang from the speakers- or did it? Gary didn’t know. Gary couldn’t hear. Gary couldn’t see. All he could do was tie knots._

 

_Tie knots and feel. Feel far too much, and nothing at all. A cacophony of emotions, raging; desperation for any sort of comfort, anything, anything anything anything anything to make the days go by faster and make it feel less gut-wrenching when he looked at the vast nothingness of space and realized that he was ALONE and nobody was going to magically rescue him from this torment that was so horrible that it made Gary wish that he’d blown up the cruiser he was in, too._

 

_Gary Goodspeed did not know how to tie nooses. But you don’t need to get to get it right all the time. Just once will suffice._

 

_Just one stroke of good luck for the bad luck magnet._

 

_“Gary, I’m getting the Crisis De-Escalation Unit. Please reconsider.”_

_He would scream “NO!” but his throat was raw from all the screaming he’d already done- screaming for everything he’d ever wanted, and for everything to stop._

 

_Hang it up- wonderfully, he’s wonderful at knots- step in, now, easy- right there- and it’s suffocating and he can’t breathe and and and and and how long did this take it hurt it hurt it hurt everything hurt everywhere and and_

 

_and_

 

_and_

 

_and_

 

_and suddenly he was in a dark place- with proper rope and not a blanket- and where did HUE go? Did HUE abandon him? Where did he go? Where is anything? He has rope now. He has real, good rope. And a real, non-shitty hanging spot._

 

_And he was being choked- it burnt it burnt- the rope burnt, the blanket burnt- it burnt- and it was hard to keep his hands away from his neck- they were flying there but he had to hold them back, he HAD to, this is what he wanted-_

 

_HUE was here with the android, and Gary was on the floor, gasping for air- when did he fall? He coughed and sputtered and he felt like he was dying-_

 

_-dying, like how his father died. Like how he was just about to. Like he should have._

 

_It should’ve been him instead of his father. He wouldn’t be missed._

 

_It will be him. Not instead, but alongside._

 

_Light flooded the room. A scream, and warm, human arms around him. Protests spilled from his lips as he struggled against the arms-_

 

_-and he fell from the blanket noose, coughing and gasping for air- his thrashing must’ve dislodged a knot-_

 

_-there were tugs to the rope around his neck and gentle touches helping him down and holding him up and it hurt and it burnt and there was something nice and cool pressed to his neck as he coughed and-_

 

_-and he couldn’t place who any of these people were-_

 

_-and there was a cool hand on his forehead, one made of silicone- as HUE’s fancy anti-suicide android was there, and suddenly he was scooped up and rushed to the med bay, which should be a job for the SAMEs, but isn’t, and HUE is telling him that he’ll be alright, that he’ll live, and he’s brushing the tears away, and suddenly Gary can see better, as his eyes adjust to the-_

 

-darkness-

 

_-and he snuggles into HUE’s chest for some semblance of comfort and he holds on as he coughs up a lung, because he doesn’t want to fall out of HUE’s arms with all the tremors that are going through him-_

 

-and HUE’s chest isn’t pressed up against him-

 

_-and the lights are blinding and making his head pound-_

 

-and there are no lights and everything is dark-

 

_-and he almost DIED and his throat feels like it’ll never work again-_

 

-and he can’t see-

 

_-and he can’t see-_

 

_-and he’s crying like a madman and he can’t stop-_

 

-he can’t stop-

 

_-he can’t-_

 

-he can’t. He can’t He can’t. He can’t-

 

_-nothing will ever stop, everything will be like this forever-_

 

-forever-

 

_-the cycle begins again, and this will happen again-_

 

-as HUE strokes his cheek and squeezes his hand-

 

_-as HUE carries him and whispers calm, collected reassurance-_

 

_-as these people he should know but don’t tend to his rope burn as they go to the hospital-_

 

-as he musters up every scrap of energy he has to squeeze HUE’s hand back.

 

As he hears the little, tinny sigh of relief.

 

As he feels himself being scooped up into HUE’s lap.

 

As his vision slowly adjusts to reality- everything is dark, and he’s on the Galaxy One. It’s nighttime, and there’s a crisis.

 

Gary Goodspeed is wonderful at being a crisis.

 

He can’t hear very well. His head is on HUE’s shoulder, and HUE’s arms are around him.

 

HUE is prattling off statistics.

 

It’s Wednesday morning. Day seven hundred and forty two of his sentence. It is currently 2:29 AM.

 

Things about Gary.

 

He’s on the Galaxy One, as prisoner. He’s twenty-three years old. He will be twenty-four, soon. With good behavior, he will get a celebration.

 

Things about the ship that Gary can’t process.

 

Gary couldn’t move, save for shifting around in HUE’s lap to make himself more comfortable.

 

“Gary, can you understand me?”

 

A million witty retorts begged to come out, but couldn’t- Gary couldn’t talk, and he hated it. He hated this part of it. All he could muster up was a low whine and a nod of his head.

 

“Good.”

 

HUE’s body was nice and heavy- but not too heavy. A comforting weight, as opposed to suffocating.

 

Gary didn’t want to leave.

 

“I think you need some water, Gary.” HUE was still brushing a thumb on his cheek, which was still damp from the tears.

 

Gary nodded again.

 

And they were moving- HUE was carrying him to the commissary, just like last time- except last time, it was to the med bay. HUE could hold Gary with one arm easily, as he got Gary his glass of water, without needing to put him down.

 

And then, they were both sat down in the booth, and Gary shakily took the glass, and drank- but not without a little assistance from HUE, who helped him hold the glass steady.

 

And finally, his throat didn’t feel like it was on fire.

 

The glass was finished; HUE placed it on the table for Gary.

 

“Are you feeling any better, Gary?” HUE asked.

 

Gary cleared his throat- and spoke:

 

_“OW!_ Ow, frickin’- I did _not_ expect that to-” he was caught in a brief coughing fit “-to hurt so _badly!”_

 

“You were rather vocal before, Gary.”

 

“No frickin’ _crap,_ HUE!”

 

He was then overcome by another coughing fit, and his throat felt like it was torn up all over again. He felt HUE’s embrace leaving him, and he tried to reach out to him- but he was still weak, and he couldn’t even call out for him after the coughing subsided, as he knew that making more noise would make the situation worse for himself. As it always went.

 

And suddenly, HUE was back, his arms were around Gary again, and another glass of water was gently slipped into his hand. He drank it, this time, without HUE’s assistance.

 

“Don’t talk, Gary. Let your throat rest.”

 

Gary nodded. He hated it- but this was how it went.

 

“How bad was it this time, Gary?”

 

Gary hesitated- then dragged a finger down his cheek- from his eye to his chin- with a quizzical expression on his face.

 

“Ah- you don’t know how hysterical you were this time?”

 

A nod.

 

“I regret to inform you, that this was one of the worse ones. It seemed as if you were physically incapable to stop crying.”

 

Gary pointed to his throat with an unamused expression.

 

“And screaming, yes.”

 

Gary managed a whine, and plopped his head on HUE’s shoulder. He fiddled with his hands, until he finally held up eight fingers.

 

“That bad? Are you sure?”

 

Gary nodded. _At least it wasn’t a ten,_ is all each of them could think.

 

HUE started running fingers through Gary’s hair. _At least it wasn’t a ten._

 

Slowly, surely, Gary’s tremors ebbed away. _At least it wasn’t a ten._

 

Gary made a little content sigh, something that swept a wave of relief through HUE, despite that technically not being possible.

 

_At least it wasn’t a ten._

 

_If it was a ten, neither of them would be calm._

 

HUE got up once more to get Gary another glass of water. _If it was a ten, Gary wouldn’t have been stable enough to be left alone, even for a second._

 

_Even if he was only a few feet away._

 

Gary sipped at his water as HUE held him close and thought about how Gary was two ticks away from disaster.

 

They had tens before, after nights and nights of sixes or sevens or eights, until the sixes stop and the nines start and it all builds up worse and worse and worse until it breaks, fittingly enough, in an explosion of emotion- a lifetime of denial catching up to Gary, and the only instinct he had left by then was the raw feeling of wanting it all to _stop._

 

That Gary is not able to be reasoned with.

 

That Gary is fast.

 

That Gary is desperate.

 

That Gary is impossible to calm down.

 

That Gary is like a ticking time bomb on legs- fast, frantic legs as it searches for its trigger.

 

HUE was amazed at the sheer number of ways a human could hurt themselves.

 

The last time there was a ten, HUE would not open the door to let Gary out of his room, as he willed his Crisis De-Escalation Unit to ready itself faster.

 

After that night, Gary had to sleep in the med bay under strict supervision until his head healed, and as the SAMEs cleaned the bloodstain off the door.

 

HUE gripped Gary a little tighter, a little closer- as he remembered that night.

 

Gary had almost died. A fractured skull- at that moment, HUE feared the lengths Gary would go to when he was desperate.

 

HUE still feared it. Gary Goodspeed was a balloon ready to pop- or, more accurately, a balloon filled with flammable gases, ready to explode in a match factory. A candle was there, too, and the candle was also Gary. So was the match factory.

 

“We need to talk about this, Gary.”

 

HUE said this every night. Every night, Gary said he was too tired.

 

Gary pointed to his throat.

 

“We’ve been here for a while, Gary. You can try talking again, if you think you can handle it in your current state.”

 

Gary cleared his throat, again- and this time, he didn’t have a coughing fit.

 

“HUE, look- I hate this! It sucks! It’s like if crap had a baby and _that_ baby had a baby, and that baby is my brain!”

 

“Then let’s talk about it. Talking can help.”

 

“I _know,_ HUE! Once I get back to Earth, I’m _totally_ talking to someone!”

 

“Why wait for Earth, Gary? The matter is urgent.”

 

“Because, _HUE!_ I gotta have a human, y’know? Organics! One hundred percent meat!”

 

HUE felt a pang, somewhere. “You would prefer to wait three years, simply because you wish to speak to a human?”

 

“Uh, yeah! What’s the rush, HUE?”

 

“You know what the rush is, Gary.” HUE’s thumb unconsciously moved to Gary’s forehead, gently stroking it, feeling how smooth and _intact_ it was.

 

“That was _forever_ ago, HUE.” Gary looked away, his head aching at the reminder of that incident.

 

“It is currently sixty-two days since it fully healed, Gary.”

 

“Yeah, see? _Foreeeever!_ See?” He pushed his bangs up to show HUE his forehead- and the red lines on it that he refused to acknowledge.

 

“Gary, you still have weekly visits to the medical bay for scar reduction.”

 

Gary looked away.

 

“You never told me why you did this, Gary. You said you would.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I don’t want it to happen again, Gary.”

 

“Why not, HUE?” Gary sounded bitter, as he glared at nothing.

 

HUE had his personal reasons- but he was hesitant to reveal them. He was not supposed to be personally attached to his prisoners.

 

“You are familiar with the motto of the Infinity Guard, aren’t you?”

 

“Well, _duh._ My old man was Infinity Guard, I know _everythiiing_ about those guys!”

 

“What is it, Gary?”

 

Gary did not answer.

 

“What’s the motto, Gary?”

 

Gary turned away from HUE’s face even more.

 

“You know this, Gary, it’s to protect life-“

 

“Am I life, HUE?”

 

Gary’s face was scrunched up, and he gripped HUE’s uniform, as if he was trying desperately not to start crying again.

 

“What are you talking about, Gary? Of course you are.” Gary was organic; he had soft flesh and a beating heart and he was pure meat; no silicon at all- and he wondered if he was life? HUE was not easily confused, but he had found one of the rare occurrences that left his mind scrambled.

 

Gary was silent for a while, and HUE could feel his heartbeat speed up.

 

“HUE, life- life has purpose! Meaning! Its- its got something _valuable_ to actually… _put out there,_ y’know?”

 

“And you think that you don’t?”

 

“I dunno, I just- _y’know!_ You know what I mean, HUE!”

 

Both of them knew what Gary meant- it was just a matter of whether or not Gary would admit it out loud.

 

“Gary.”

 

“Agh- _YES,_ okay? Yes, I don’t think I’m any of that! The only things I can actually do is break stuff and almost die! I can’t even be good at DYING, y’know, that thing that gets a lot of people by _accident?_ No! I only have _almost_ dying!”

 

“Gary, your life is worth-“

 

“-something. It’s worth _something!_ Is that what you’re gonna say, HUE? ‘Cause you say that _every single time we have this-“_

 

“-everything.”

 

“What?” Gary slowly turned to look at HUE, wondering if he’d finally gone off the deep end and had started to hallucinate.

 

“I was going to say, ‘Your life is worth everything.’ To me.”

 

HUE’s expression was unchanging, and he only stole quick glances at Gary. Neither of them spoke for a while, and HUE was starting to feel as if he should put Gary down and get out of his Crisis De-Escalation Unit. Things were pretty de-escalated, and he’d just made the situation awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved.

 

“Really?”

 

The muffled sound came from HUE’s shoulder, prompting a soft hum of confusion from the android.

 

“Really what, Gary?”

 

“Do you. _Really_ think my life is worth _everything_ to you?”

 

“Gary, I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.”

 

“You _suuuure,_ HUE?”

 

“I’m sure, Gary. You don’t have to believe me yet, but I’m not lying to you.”

 

Gary looked at him quizzically. “How can I be sure that this isn’t just some conflict de-escalation programming that’s just automated to be spat out?!”

 

“Because,” and HUE gently started stroking his cheek, “the crisis is gone, Gary. There is no need for me to be here anymore. My programming dictates that I should return my Crisis De-Escalation Unit to its docking bay, and resume my normal duties.”

 

“How come you aren’t doing that?”

 

“Because. I want to stay here with you.”

 

That made Gary feel warm inside, simultaneously making him feel less and more tired- less tired in the sense of his ordeal sapping his energy, and more tired in the sense of feeling secure enough in his current position to doze off.

 

“I didn’t know robots could just kinda… ignore their programmings!”

 

“Gary, we’ve been over this every single time we have this talk. I was designed to be as humanlike in my cognition as possible. Therefore, I believe I have what you would call, free will.”

 

Gary huffed. “I knooowww…”

 

“Then why do you act like you don’t?”

 

He shrugged. “...’cause I kinda like to hear it…?”

 

“Gary…”

 

He curled in on himself- ironically pressing himself up against HUE even more. “...’cause it’s been two years and my brain still isn’t freakin’ getting the memo?”

 

“Better.”

 

Gary groaned like saying those words physically hurt.

 

“Gary,” HUE said in that semi-reprimanding tone. “Is it really this hard to talk about what you’re feeling?”

 

A sigh. “Yes…”

 

“Really?” This realization meant they were getting somewhere. This realization also meant that somewhere was nowhere. But at least they would know whether or not Gary’s long-desired closure was unobtainable, at least in the near future.

 

“Yeah, _really!_ It feels like- like I’m not _supposed to,_ y’know? Like- like it’s not what guys do, it’s not what _heroes_ do, it’s… it’s stupid, and it’s frickin’ stupid that I’m still hung up over something that happened when I was like, eight!”

 

“You have PTSD, Gary-”

 

“-No, I _don’t,_ HUE!”

 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Gary. Around twenty-five million people have it.”

 

Gary glared at the wall, pouting. “Heroes don’t!”

 

“Actually, Gary, due to the dangers that Infinity Guard personnel face, it is actually quite common to develop it in the ranks.”

Gary paused- and looked up at HUE, eyes wide. “Wait- really?”

 

“Yes, Gary. I told you, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Even those you look up to may have it.”

 

A memory of the one person Gary looked up to the most flashed through his mind- and he quickly pushed it out. He didn’t want to think of the newly implied possibility that HUE inadvertently introduced him to.

 

“Gary,” HUE’s voice brought him back to reality, “do you think you would be able to talk about what happened tonight?”

 

Gary let out a resigned sigh. “...no. I- I can’t, HUE. Not tonight. I _wanna,_ but… I can’t, okay?”

 

“I understand, Gary. Perhaps some other night.”

 

A frantic nod. “Right- right. Some other night.”

 

“In the meantime, Gary, you should get some rest.”

 

As if on cue, he yawned- Gary hadn’t realized how tired he was until HUE had brought it up. Suddenly, HUE stood up, Gary still in his arms, and started heading back to Gary’s room.

 

“Y’know, _HUE,_ I can walk just fine now!”

 

“I know. I just like doing this.”

 

Gary felt a strange stirring feeling inside him, and he smirked. “I- _wow,_ I can’t believe you like carrying me around in my _underwear!_ Is there something you’re not telling me, HUE?”

 

“There may be, there may not be. Perhaps one day, I’ll tell you, Gary.”

 

“Y’know, you say my name a _lot!_ Like, there’s only two of us here, of _course_ you’re talkin’ to me!”

 

HUE shrugged. “I like your name. It’s a nice name.”

 

Gary puffed up with pride. “Thanks, HUE! Picked it myself!”

 

HUE rolled his eyes. “You make that joke every single time I compliment you on your name.”

 

“Well, yeah! ‘Cause it’s true!”

 

But it wasn’t.

 

Someone had suggested it to him.

 

But Gary didn’t like to think about that.

 

It tended to lead to bad nights.

**Author's Note:**

> ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I hope you liked it! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
> 
> ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Please leave a comment, it'd make my day! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
> 
> ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ [Also, I have a Final Space tumblr!](https://transgoodspeed.tumblr.com) ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ


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